Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down, Vol. 1

Thumbs Down:

To male porn stars grunting, moaning and, especially, speaking. Shut the F up. Please.

This may come as a shock to you, your goatee, and your shorn scrotum, but no one is picking up a copy of “Schindler’s Fist” to hear your masterful line delivery of classic dialogue such as “Oh yeah” and “You like that?” I don’t know about those blonde twins, sir, but I do not. Like it. When you speak. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the things you are doing, but, much like a barber, shoeshiner or masseuse, I just don’t want you to speak while you are doing them. This is my time, not yours.

Thumbs Up:

To Mongolian Beef.

Or chicken. Or Mongolian ANYTHING. Fry some onions and garlic, add some unrecognizable meat product and then drown it in chili peppers and chili sauce. That is a meal fit for conquerors and the holders of territories that are strategically unimportant in RISK. If science ever created a Mongolian burrito, science could retire to Aruba because I would buy one of those for every breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mongolian food is the best.

I know people will complain that I’m describing a Panda-Expressed bastardization of Chinese food rather than traditional (bland and non-spicy) Mongolian cuisine like Boodog, which, if wikipedia memory serves me correctly, is mutton cooked within the abdominal cavity of a deboned marmot. To those people I say: I cannot hear your complaint regarding my historical inaccuracies due to the loud, tumescence-inhibiting chatter of the dude in this porno I’m watching.

DAMMNIT.

Bonus neat fact about Mongolia: Apparently real live Tremors live in their deserts, Maybe (More here)

The One Where We Talk About Having Sex With Our Telephones

So I finally decided to join the cool kids and get an iphone.  Why?  Because the sweet new 3Gs is out?  Heck no, I got it because they knocked the price of a regular old 8-GB 3G iphone to 100 bones.  That makes me: 1) cheap, 2) the definition of a “late adopter.”  The reasoning is akin to someone deciding in 1984: “I’m not spending a fortune to go see Air Supply Live in Hawaii, I’ll wait for a later, cheaper, more local show.”  It’s like, yeah, you still get to see Air Supply, but your buddies totally already saw Air Supply first and were the first to try all the sweet Air Supply Applications.

I’m a poor analogizer.  But I’m not here to talk about Air Supply anyway.  (Ed. Note: Yes he is.)  I’m here to talk about the iphone, specifically about a new application that caught my eye.

Editor’s Note:

66.67% of the contributors of this site have Vegas-induced Rubella, so if you’ve notice a drop-off in work-product this week, pat yourself on the freaking back.  Activity will pick up when we aren’t sidetracked by our insatiable desire for brains.

The one where we talk about penises without giggling

No penis jokes today, just straight-up, hard penis science.

Scientific American answers (maybe) the question: “Hey, why does my penis look like that?”

I encourage you to read the entire article, it’s pretty interesting.  A quick synopsis: Using “evolutionary reverse engineering” which sounds suspiciously like “lazy pseudo-science” (Men like sports because they used to hunt!  Women like to shop because they used to gather!) scientists at SUNY Albany have determined why the human penis is shaped, uh, well like a penis, I guess: Sperm Warfare.

Time Wasting, Vol. 43

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

Uninformed Review

Welcome to Uninformed Review

A weekly feature where I review a movie, book, or television program that I have not seen and know little about, save for what I can deduce from the title and personnel.

 

“17 Again” starring Zac Efron and Matthew Perry

 

 

 

 

At first glance, “17 Again” appears to be a classic, light-hearted, switching places comedy, in the mold of “Freaky Friday,” “Trading Places,” or “The Talented Mr. Ripley.”  These movies usually involve two people who, disenchanted with their lot in life, wish or pray that they could switch places, only to learn that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and the aliens are allergic to water.