So I’m going to the 2nd annual roomate-a-palooza this weekend. In preparation, my former roomates have compiled a check-list that, if followed, will provide us an accurate re-creation of our college house. I would have changed the names to protect the innocent, but none of these men are innocent, and, again, no one reads this blog. Enjoy:
1) Get two TVs, stick one in the fireplace and wire up an xbox to it.
2) Get some fucked up couches and some fucked up sheets that try to make
the fucked up couches look less fucked up.
3) Get unnecessarily large posters of musicians.
4) Steal McDonald’s Entrance Mats
5) Get a bunch of trash and throw it in the backyard
6) Catch cockroaches and let them go in the house.
7) Get a disgusting, greasy Foreman and a box of meat from Costco
8] Costco Muffins, Costco Tortilla chips….
9) Put Alex’s dirty laundry everywhere
10) Barry has to promise to fall asleep on the couch before we go out.
11) Get an old Universal weight-set in 10% working order and put it on back patio
12) Invite some random girls to take shots of random liquor then leave
13) Gather some rats to go with the cockroaches
14) Put random shit in the closets and then never open them again
15) Encourage high schoolers to throw food wrappers on the front lawn
16) Designate the front lawn as a parking spot
17) Get our girlfriends to complain about how disgusting the house is, yet they
still come over anyway because they hate their own roomates
18) Stock the cupboards with 193 cans of Cream of Mushroom soup
19) Get some plastic wrap to kill any vegetation the new residents may have grown
20) Place a roll of paper towels with a soccer ball on top in the window. Throw a
football at it.
21) Ted has to promise to let everyone sing Tenacious D songs in his room before we go out
22) Ted has to mumble nonsense for 2 hours the next morning
23) Clog a toilet and let human waste float down the hallway
24) All of us will shove crap down all drains until sewage seeps out the front yard.
25) Ride a skateboard through the dining room wall
26) Steal 43 unwashed shot glasses and drink a shot out of each one
27) Each spend 2 hours alone practicing “head shots” against the computer
28) James must complete one book at Café Roma’s before heading out
29) Alex must complete one lap around the house unclothed before heading out
30) Barry must tackle a fellow roommate before heading out
31) Pat must show us the double dildo, the latest innovation in porn, on his computer before heading out
32) Alex must throw a microwave/TV/VCR into the street and beat it with a baseball bat.
Pat and Ted will eat Papa Murphy’s $5.99 Deep Dishes
Alex will eat a bag of hotdogs
35) James will make a family size portion of spaghetti
36) Five forties will be purchased from the Chevron gas station
37) Pat must get pissed off because the Xbox cheats and favors Ted in Madden 2003 and MLB 2002
38) Barry will knock an object out of the air and announce “NO EASY BUCKETS”
39) Don’t be a bitch will be yelled in unison and inevitably, Ted will have to do something stupid.
40) We will invite our girlfriends over, then stick them in trunk and play vehicular pinball on the way to the bars
41) Barry will break into Ted’s car, James will steal, Alex will crash it and Pat’s car will receive the damage
42) Someone in their drunkest moments will do something unfaithful to their girlfriend, everyone else will convince him it never happened.
43) The biggest pair of animal print panties imaginable must be procured
44) Said panties must be hidden in closet with other pantie trophies
45) Everyone will be allowed “time to themselves” as long as they indicate it with a sock on the door
46) James will bring a broken surfboard to decorate the hallway
47) Before you get to the surfboard you must climb the hallway couch
48) Barry and Pat must alternate one sleeping and one jerking off
49) Alex needs to ‘fluff’ with tiger-balm/KY
50) Ted needs to eat a whole loaf of bread and PB&J before we go out
51) James might alegedly climb through the window to see his ex
52) We will all play who’s the soberest at the end of the night
53) Pat must attack a female with a Maglite.
54) Alex will sleep in the bushes outside of an ex-girlfriend’s house.
55) A dog/wolf will become a roommate.
56) Said dog/wolf will pee in Ted’s room…a lot.
57) We must travel to Albertson’s or school to take dumps.
58) The morning after going out, James must look out the window at Ted’s car parked diagonally on the lawn and ask, “Who drove us home?” Answer, “You did, James.”
59) Pat has to agree to live with James, Alex, and Ted without running it by Barry.
60) Alex must adamantly deny that he makes the worst mess.
61) Watch Alex have sex with our ex-girlfriend.
62) Watch Alex get a BJ on the couch, while we eat raisin bran that’s really just bran flakes with rat shit in it
63) Ted needs to forget who we are after several beers at Woodstock’s.
64) James needs to convince naive freshmen rowers to take over a condemned house so we can get our deposit back.
65) At some point undisclosed to the rest of us, James needs to replace himself with Nelson.
66) Key food groups to be stocked: “Tillamook Cheddar and Pepper Jack (yes, Alex, you have to pay for it), hamburgers, hotdogs, lunch meat, two 30 packs of budlight, 1 handle of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Jose Cuervo, milk, 100 eggs, cereal, spaghetti, and muffins.
67) Noelle needs to apologize for “letting the cat out.” Response, “We don’t have a cat.”
68) Stranger must take spaghetti mentioned in point #13, open it, and throw it in the street, preferably spreading it over 1/2 a block. No sauce is to be added.
69) James must interrupt Barry’s masterbating with “suggestions” of foreign websites he enjoys. It breaks Barry’s concentration, but he checks them out out of respect.
70) Ted must take a dump in Pat and Barry’s bathroom because his toilet is clogged then be chastised by Pat for it. Ted will then drag Barry into the argument.
71) Barry will take a dump in James, Ted, and Alex’s bathroom because it has maxim and porn for Barry to read.
72) Ted, ex, toothpaste, mouthwash, or a piece of gum
73) Ted’s dad will begrudgingly take us out to Cattlemen’s and buy us dinner. He will get hammered to lighten the blow.
74) We must start the night with happy hour at Froggy’s that turns into century club. Unfortunately, we will ” need to leave” at 98.
75) Ted must walk home wearing socks and boxer shorts cussing and confused.